I write this blog for three reasons …
- I love to write and I use this space to empty my head, to vent and to help me to process my experiences.
- I’m a passionate communicator and campaigner. I hope, by writing this blog, to raise awareness of the subjects discussed. These include childhood abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, chronic illness/’invisible illness’, loneliness and vulnerability. I hope, by writing about my experiences, I might help others not to feel so alone.
- I love to write (I know I’ve already said that) I really do, in fact, I probably live to write. I don’t feel even close to being ‘whole’ if writing isn’t a part of my life. Being a writer (I trained, and have worked, as a journalist) is, for me, a significant part of who I am.
I write here, and tweet, under a pseudonym, so that, given my circumstances as a survivor of an abusive family, I might write freely and also, so I may write with more intimacy.
I’m imaginative and an avid daydreamer, but I’ve always been driven and goal-orientated, intent on turning dreams into reality. Abuse and subsequent illness stole so much from me and derailed my dreams. As many years have flown by, while I have battled to manage the effects and recover myself, I have had to be infinitely flexible, adapting my dreams to my circumstances … and my increasing age. (I know that many people do not appreciate ‘battle’ or ‘fight’ analogies, but this has been and continues to be a ‘battle’ for me and I am ‘battle’ scarred.)
From a young age, I wanted to be a writer and a broadcaster. I have fulfilled both ambitions, albeit on a relatively small scale.Writing did become my living and I long to regain a writing career … and make much more of it. It’s a goal that I intend to fulfil.
I am something of a performer. I’ve flirted with acting. I would very much like to return to broadcasting and I’m sure there’s a frustrated stand-up comic lurking somewhere inside me. I like to think I’m quite funny… I’m probably not so funny as I think I am. I am a mix of gregarious and shy. While not brimming with confidence, I am gutsy and not afraid to take a risk.
I’ve long been a keen campaigner, fundraiser, events organiser and volunteer. I have worked with vulnerable people, who have experienced mental illness, abuse and other challenges. Over the years, I have found it difficult to find support to help me to overcome my challenges, often compounding my isolation. It matters so much to me that support is readily available to others who are vulnerable and in need of it, and I want to be a part of making that change.
On hearing about my experiences, people have asked me how are you still standing? I think of my survival in terms of a tiny spark residing inside of me. It represents my true self but became so small and cowed because of the abuse I experienced.
That spark is my sense of hope. I have fanned and nurtured and protected that spark as though my life depended on it, because it did. It became a flame and then, joyfully, a small fire. One day I hope it will burn as abundantly as a furnace…
For the first time, I thought I felt it go out earlier this year, after a ‘straw and camel’ event. I have never felt so devastated. I thought it could never happen … I wouldn’t let it. I didn’t see how I could possibly go on, and I became deeply depressed. I am facing a pretty desperate situation and, even more, major challenges (as at October 2015). I’m doing this largely alone, but there are some, who after others had severed them, have reconnected me to threads of hope in recent weeks.
To be continued … (I hope you’ll make regular visits to my blog!)