An update, possibly rambling!

I’m a woman on a mission on today, to crack several sticky issues, but I wanted to bash out an update here while my cup of tea is brewing 🙂 .

Social care
There’s been no word from social work since the social worker who assessed me for social care in May, left to begin maternity leave at the end of July, despite my being told that I’d be allocated a new social worker. I’ve tried to contact the service manager, my ex-social worker gave me her details as she left, but I can’t get any response for her. A form did arrive in the post two days ago, from a different department, together with a letter asking me to supply the financial details requested in order that they can determine how much to charge me. This without my having been told that I would be charged. My next task today will be to complete the form. For the moment I’m putting the question of what happens if the decided charge is more than ‘buttons’, putting social care out of my reach, because that’s too scary to contemplate right now.

I still haven’t been told who will prove the care I’ve apparently been assessed as being eligible to receive (according to ex social worker), the terms of it or when I can expect it to start. Six weeks ago, my second choice of provider had apparently said that they thought they could support me but couldn’t confirm just at that moment. It’s proved impossible to find out anything more since. Sheesh, just writing about this is making me feel weary, so it must be a bagful of fun to read too. Apologies folks 🙂 .

Advocacy
I’ve emailed the local advocacy service this morning. My advocacy worker is now only available on Thursday and Fridays and so have asked for a meeting on either day this week, in order that we can discuss the following:
– Social work/care – I’ll ask if she will phone the manager when we meet – when she phoned earlier in the year there was immediate action. I could phone but I think the added clout of someone other than me phoning could make a difference. Also, I’m already under too much stress and both my interim therapist and my inner self care monitor (!) are urging that I lighten my load if at all possible.
– Complaint re crisis team – This is covered in this post, skip to the paragraph beginning ‘In September 2016’, to read the most pertinent bit. I have just two months left to get the complaint in. I’ve had to put it on hold with so much else going on.
– GP – I’ve lost such confidence since the crisis team debacle – not helped by my struggling to click with a new GP since my one left the practice last year. Her replacement is largely ineffective and the senior partner I chose to see instead, generally patronising but also, worryingly, dismissive of my mental health and won’t discuss it. I don’t know whether that’s due to his own ‘issues’ or whether he’s been influenced by the crisis team’s inaccurate conclusions.

Health
I’ve just called to make an appointment to see a female GP at my practice, having realised that I’ve consulted three male GPs during my five and a bit years with the practice and never had a good experience with any of them! Conversely, I’ve seen four female GPs there – all but one at least several times and all of those were excellent, only the one was dreadful (older, rude and crabby) and I opted never to see her again 😀 !

My first choice is about to begin a month’s leave. I’m booked in for a double appointment with my second choice (only second because she works fewer hours) on Friday, 8th September, and have already asked if my advocacy worker can accompany me. I’ve been advised it’s worth having that support until I am settled with a new GP and until my complaint about the crisis team has been resolved.

Primarily, I need to speak to her about the new and different depressions that I’ve been experiencing, which I strongly suspect are related to the perimenopause. Despite having experienced episodes of depression for nearly 30 years, these are the worst I’ve experienced, because they are so … complete … that’s the only word I can think of to even begin describe it. It’s just MORE … than previous depressive episodes, possibly because my usual depression is ‘reactive’ – a response to a particular trauma or stressor – this stuff ‘just is’, as clinical depression often is, but with the added ‘quality’ of exacerbating my Complex Trauma symptoms. I lose all capacity for days on end and it’s as though I … Tigger, grab life by the horns, heart set on living – have left the building. I’m left entirely unable to connect to anything or anyone and actively suicidal … like never before (and I’m without support for that). It’s difficult to write about. It’s difficult to appreciate if you haven’t been there. Suffice to say it’s horrendous and I’m generally worried for my safety and very much hoping that the GP will be sympathetic and will work with me to find a way to manage this, and to get to the bottom of the myriad of other new symptoms that I’m experiencing lately, making it impossible to sustain even a semblance of life.

Time is of the essence
I’m trying to be as productive as I possibly can in the next two weeks, squeezing even more than usual out of every ‘spoon’, to get as much sorted as possible, because, if the establishing pattern continues, I’m likely to lose the next two weeks of my ‘cycle’, and spend it clinging onto life by my fingertips. Lordy, I do hope not, but I’m trying to prepare to try to mitigate the impact. The last episode alone cost me £124 in appointment cancellations fees (dentist and physio) eating up the last of my little kitty from the Journalist’s Charity, and I haven’t even got my new specs because I had to cancel that appointment too. Oh my, I HAVE to laugh :-D, while I can, it keeps me going.

TTFN. Thanks for reading.

Heart x

 

 

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Entering the ogre’s lair …

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling my GP an ogre, he’s surely a nice enough chap, but after the events of last year, going to see him again was about as scary as standing before a ravenous ogre with a particular taste for ‘Hearts’ about my size and shape.

The only available appointment was at 10am. Any appointment before 11 always presents additional challenges because my morning routine is lengthy due to the requirements of my Bile Acid Malabsorption and also issues around sedation, pain and mobility that are particularly problematic when I wake. I made it past those, and past anxiety around getting out for the first time in four months – too complex to detail.

‘Debriefing’ afterwards, my advocacy worker, who accompanied me, commented that there was marked difference in my GP’s response to my discussion of my mental health and of my physical health. He said nothing in response to the former. She said his expression could’ve said … well, what do you want me to do about it? By contrast, presented with physical symptoms he leapt into action, examined my abdomen, listened to my chest and took my blood pressure … twice. He ordered tests, including an E.C.G. and prescribed several medications, and appeared thorough.

Discussing a gastric issue, I described my symptoms and said that I’m aware that my weight gain may have caused them or at least be a contributing factor. He agreed, said that I was right and that it would help if I could do something about that. I didn’t pick him up on it, and perhaps I should have done. I did feel disappointed, if not a little angry, given that I have an eating disorder and that I asked for help – clearly and directly – so many times last year and yet I received none. I understand that he cannot ‘magic resources out of thin air’ where services have been reduced or cut, but I really would appreciate an acknowledgement both of much I am trying to help myself, and that I haven’t been offered any help or support. My weight and related issues will be being discussed when we next meet and I hope then to have the confidence to say that.

I’ve blogged and tweeted recently about my ‘flaring’ skin. A first episode occurred around five or six weeks ago when I woke to find my eyes puffy and my skin reddened and itchy. I suspected eczema but noted that the usual emollients gave me a burning sensation. It was annoying and didn’t look great but it wasn’t horrendous and it cleared up after a few days. A couple of weeks later I had another episode but this time the skin around my eyes was more swollen than puffy and I suspected an allergic reaction, but I couldn’t pinpoint what might have caused one. On Wednesday last week I woke again to a red face and swollen skin around my eyes. Like me, my GP suspected eczema or an allergy and he prescribed hydrocortisone cream.

In the hours after my appointment, my face became increasingly red and a little more swollen, by the evening it was burning which felt very unpleasant and was difficult to manage. The following day I awoke and gasped in shock when I looked in the mirror and saw that my whole face was swollen. I could barely open my right eye and the left was also affected. The areas where I’d felt the intense burning sensation – mostly around my mouth and under my eyes – now felt very tight and had become extremely dry. I was able to speak to my GP on the phone later that morning and he opted to additionally prescribe an anti-histamine and a specialist moisturising lotion. All of the new medications were delivered on Friday evening by the delightful ‘Pharmacy Bob’, who was concerned about me, with my bright red, ballooned visage. The swelling slowly reduced over the weekend and the redness decreased somewhat, then my face began to peel, everywhere but for the top half of my forehead and the sides of my face, and continues to do so. I have been liberally applying moisturiser and, thankfully, today when I had to go out to an appointment with one of the practice nurses, it looks better than it did.

I have some concerns about the cause of this skin issue related to my other diagnoses, but I’ll blog about that once I have the results of the tests that the GP has ordered.

I asked my GP if I might return to using my treadmill as I want to do, promising that I would not try to run before I could walk. I am MUCH heavier than I was when I took up running in 2014. I have no idea what I will be able to achieve this time around. Building up to being able to do a brisk walk will at least help me to lose weight, it may be that I will not be able to run until I’ve done so. I wondered if I might be advisable to wait until the tests have been carried out, but the GP said that he’s happy for me to start before that, so long as I’m careful.