TW: This post discusses depression and suicidal intent.
It’s been almost two months since my last post, so much for my daily blogging plans 😀 !
I laugh, but in truth I have been very ill.
There is a lot that I’d like to say and I hope to do this in a series of bite-sized posts, rather than in one overwhelmingly massive missive! These posts may appear daily, weekly, alone or in clusters. Who knows? I’m taking life one day at a time, and doing what I can each day. All I can say for sure is that I will be blogging, now that I’m able to function again.
I am happy that my capacity to function is restored to me and to be making progress, slowly but surely.
It was a strange feeling as I started to come out of the depths of the depression, to be able to feel something other than that I had to die.
I have a lot of knowledge about mental health and mental illness and I’m very self aware, but I became so ill that I lost all perspective. I am naturally relentlessly positive and have boundless enthusiasm. I’ve previously described myself as ‘a bit Tigger‘. Depression takes that from me. At its worst, it strips me of all capacity to function and to see anything other than suicide as a realistic option for me.
Glad though I was to emerge from those terrible depths, as the days progressed and my mood began to improve, I became aware just how bad things had been and I had to start to process the knowledge that I’d been dangerously ill. I hadn’t been able to wash, dress myself or clean my teeth. I either barely ate or ate poorly. I struggled to engage with anyone or anything. I couldn’t engage with my crisis plan or crisis support, for to do so seemed utterly futile. I experienced feelings of self loathing that I had thought were long behind me. I could see only that I had to die.
Indeed I did plan to die. I am immensely grateful that one friend became worried enough to contact my GP … on the day I planned to make a suicide attempt, although she wasn’t aware of that. It took persistence on the part of my doctor, repeated telephone calls and voice mail, before I could find the capacity to answer the phone to her that day, but all that gave me pause. Our eventual conversation was difficult but helpful and led to her visiting me at home the next day, as I was unable to get to the surgery. A new path unfurled before me. Things were going to change.