I think that I need to start making regular entries here again. I think it’s something of a matter of life or death. Why I should feel that way ought to become clear if I am in fact able to recommence regular posting.
First it was mostly time pressures that stopped me doing so but latterly my lack of posts has been due to a sense of discomfort. I love my WordPress app and I check it several times a day in order to read the latest on the blogs that I follow. Doing that is an important part of my day. I’ve commented on those blogs that I follow far less in recent months. I have wanted to do so but have rarely had the wherewithal. I’m not sure if either of you follow my blog but if you do – Jenasaurus or Girl in Therapy – then please know that I have particularly longed to comment on many of your posts and continue to silently ‘cheerlead’ for you both and wish you well.
I have difficulties with memory loss. It’s not clear whether that is due to a medication I take to help regulate my sleep and reduce pain – it’s been found to affect recall – or whether I have unconsciously blocked out large chunks of time following repeated trauma, having reached saturation point. The memory issues may be a result of a combination of those factors.
I have a lot of gaps – in some cases just a handful of memories for a decade of time. Details can be very difficult, I often find I have only a vague sense of something. I used to have a really terrific memory and was noted for it. Now, not only do I struggle to recall many events of the past, but also the present becomes near-past and then all too often that too soon becomes vague, hazy and worryingly far from distinct. Some clarity remains, hints of the terrific memory of old and I treasure those moments. I have found the memory loss tough to deal with and have felt that I was losing so much of myself. However, recent events (I hope to explain further in a later post) have led me to suspect that the greater part of my memory loss is due to unconscious blocks and I’ve found myself feeling grateful that my mind has unconsciously sought to protect me.
However – and here I get to the point at last 😉 – my often hazy memory has led to my discomfort about posting here. Since my eventual escape, my abusers have used the internet to track me. Visiting my LinkedIn profile, reading my public blog, Googling to find information about me and so on. I would get calls from them taunting me, telling me what they knew, how they’d always know and how I could never get away because I ‘belonged to them’. I eventually succeeded in cutting all contact but the tracking persists. I was reluctant to change the way I ‘lived’ online, feeling that if I ran away or hid then they would be winning. I maintained public presences online but, almost unconsciously, I used them less and less. I created private profiles and used those. This blog already existed, I’d wanted a private space to be ‘warts and all’ about my life as a survivor of childhood abuse that continued into adulthood. Child abuse is more readily spoken about – with the advent of high profile cases – there is still a long long way to go but that’s for another post. Child abuse continued into adulthood is rarely spoken of publicly – I imagine that few people consider that such a thing could even exist. I am in touch with one other person for whom it is reality and my own research has led me to uncover the stories of many others abused in this way. I’m a great one for speaking out; I think it’s vital and do so on many issues, including many aspects of abuse. However, I needed this blog to unload and to process the unique legacy of my abuse and the impact of its continuation into adulthood, in private and without fear of ‘real life’ repercussions.
As time went on I chose to share with certain people the connection between my ‘real self’ and this anonymous blog. I was happy to do so. However my memory loss is such that I now find myself fearing that I may in some way have been careless and left myself open to the possibility of my abusers finding this safe and treasured place. It’s that fear that has kept from posting. I am exceedingly open and honest. I am so proud to be that way – it took many years of work to undo the legacy of years of learned secrets, lies and silence synonymous with abuse. I have learned to have compassion for myself and to be proud of who I am and there is much that I could not give a damn about my abusers finding out. Still, I need a safe place, for innermost thoughts that are not for their consumption.
I do think I need to post. I need to blog. I need to document and use this blog for many reasons. I think the only way that I can do this right now is if I password protect my entries from now on. Please email *my blog username* @gmail.com if you would like to receive the password in order to continue reading my posts. If I’m happy that you’re known to me or I can otherwise confirm that you are not someone to whom I would not want to permit access, I will gladly pass it on.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Xx