Right here, right now
I’m jumping right in with my first post because that’s what I need to do right now. In time the rest of this site will grow and a clearer picture of my situation should emerge.
Thanks, in part, to reading this post and the comments on it, today I’m feeling that my recent suicidal thoughts are ill thoughts and that if I’m ill there is a chance for me to recover or at least manage that illness. This period of illness began at Christmas, triggered by the breakdown of my marriage and all that goes with that including the impending loss of my home. Since then days like today have been in the minority. More often suicide feels like a natural response to no longer being able to cope with the excessive loss and pain I’ve experienced and further trauma that is to occur. That feels terrible and although I still wish to live and realise my dreams on those days I also feel that although terribly sad, dying will be a great relief… a release. More detailed explanation will follow as this blog grows.
What’s in a name?
Right now I’m calling this Operation Fight Back. Since I’m fighting for my life right now, that seems appropriate; that may change.
I slept well last night even better than the previous night which was a good night. I haven’t slept so well in two months. I was out of bed just before 9am – also a first for a while. I did 25 reps of all four of my physiotherapy exercises together with half a dozen stomach crunches, then for the first time in a very long time I got onto my treadmill and quickly built up to a brisk walk then a slow to moderate jog for 12 minutes 32. It felt good.
Beyond this, today I aim to …
- eat mindfully
- get outside for the first time in two weeks
- meditate for 20 minutes
- pamper myself in some way
- maintain this blog
- connect with others